Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
You Might Also Like
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
i wish we could shoplift online
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.