You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.