Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Damn he played himself
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.