I hope Alan is OK
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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
The little toadstool has spoken.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
lmao
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: