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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.