If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
😏😏😏
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR