Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?