Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
God has abandoned us.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Why font matters.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.