*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Well, this certainly took a turn
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier