It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
You Might Also Like
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”