Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: