All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*Inspirational Tweets*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I just ran a .003048K
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old