Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
i wish i could marry a nap
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.