My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Single and childfree like Jesus
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.