I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
how to market bottled water to dads
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
pls suprot
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too