Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.