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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
You are not alone 💚
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.