I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?