peeping toms
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I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.