If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Received some very disappointing news today
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!