it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Why font matters.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.