That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My circle of trust is a meatball
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
April 1st is the class clown of days.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U