Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
what
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want