*pokes sex life with a stick
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.