Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.