ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My boss called in sick of me
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!