Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Bootstraps
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.