*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.