my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Botany good plants lately?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Lmfao
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.