witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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At least he brought enough for everyone
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?