ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes