Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Note to self: I am a note
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.