Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
2023 was just a warmup
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
This rocks
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I wanna be friends with this person
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison