[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.