Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
dam girl
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?