Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Baller is short for ballerina
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
How actors in movies eat their food
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Doctors texting each other.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
socratic questions
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Hank is one in a melon.