ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
You wish you had this many chins.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.