Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.