WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
beware of dog
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*Seductively hides in the woods
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham