I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.