VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Best spot.. 😅
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.