no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.