My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
And they lived apathetically ever after.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.