Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
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Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p