Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!