Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
sigh
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.