murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.