If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The Backseat Boys
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
When you’ve simply given up.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6