I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex