“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea